Edinburg-- love for historical romance

Is this not exquisite? It's basically a page out of fairy tale for me.

I originally made this post two days ago, but I felt I should elaborate on this.

When I was 14 I got hooked on those paperback historical romance novels. It was whole another world for me. I have always loved history. Some part of me still feels anoter ear might've suited me better. Of course when i think of the healthcare facilities or other luxuries like AC, hot water, computers I think otherwise.

Most historical romances took place in England, Scotland, some in Asia. Scotland was my ultimate favorite. It is not because the men were always described as typical alpha male =]

I just loved the way they described the surroundings. There were always decriptions of green valleys, castles on top of those valleys, horses grazing on the field etc. It made me want to be there...

I think that's all I have to say..=] I have to go pray now.

Blood test and Vaccine

Well to begin Alhamdulillah i am just fine. My arm hurts where I got the shot. The blood test was horrible. They had to poke me 6 times before my body decided to give blood. Even then it was painful because blood just wouldn't come and they had to move the needle around a bit. I was stupid enough not to eat anything in the morning, or even drink water. I was cold in the hospital. My hands were frozen. Everytime they inserted the needle it was almost as if my vein dissapeared. One time the blood actually somewhat splattered outside. It was yucky seeing the blood rolling down my arm. But for some reason it always gets me curious. I do become a nervous wreck before they insert needles in me but I always happen to watch every little detail. It somehow makes me feel a little stronger. That overcame a fear.

I am getting another one tomorrow. I am already in pain because of the one I got yesterday who knows what tomorrow will do. I plan to go shopping today. It's irritating. I can't try on clothes when I can't even move my arm without saying ouch!

The united voices fundraiser is this sunday!! I am excited and I pray all goes well. I am a little dissapointed in myself because i can't help out with the event as much as I would like to.

My sister joined india-forums...it's a bizzare feeling to be honest. Not sure how to feel haha

New update:: songs and food!

Life is good alhamdulillah. Running against time. I Have lot of studying to do. Umm other than that I am currently watching You're beautiful. The drama is fantastic. The problem is I am suffering from 2nd lead crush syndrome. It's going to heartbreaking when the guy gets his heartbroken.

New fav songs :: Ring Ding dong by Shinee

^ they have grown so much!! Adorable.

And

Prithibir joto shukh by Habib and Nancy.

^ that's my blog song right now.

Yesterday I went to the UV meeting, afterwards I went to this awesome vietnamese restaurant called SAIGON BAY with my brother and sister. I was craving viet food all week. First their spring rolls are awesome!!! I ordered fresh rolls which I shouldn't have done. One because everything is steamed and has little taste. And I am not a mint leaves fan. As soon as I put it in my mouth my mouth was burning. So I basically took out the shrimps from 4 of the rolls and dipped that in sauce.
As for the meal I ordered the Charboiled lemon chicken with fried rice. Awesome!!! My sisters had wings and brother had the shrimp with vegetables. He got only 3 shrimps on his plate. He was dissapointed but loved those 3 shrimps. As for sister she didn't like the wings much. I loved my Dish. I ate everything except the salad. =)

I so wish I could take pictures of the food. I plan to go there again..hopefully this thursday??

Mixed emotions on Eid, heartbroken???

I do not mean to write so much but a lot happened today. Some I can write about the others I shouldn't write.

Eid was good. Alhamdulillah. I had to go visit alot of people, some were pleasent others not to so much. I was really sad at parts and really angry too. But in few minutes I got over it. Except one thing, well two. One left me sad because of my dad, other...I am in shock, a little heartbroken and it is time for me to wake up. I am not sure if I am allowed to be sad.

I will really miss Ramadan . During Ramadan I stayed away from dbsk which was extremely hard. As soon as I came home I watched some Micky and Changmin videos ^^.

Overall today was a fun day. I went organic shopping. Got my magic cream if it doesn't work I will be sad. Other than that I got bunch of other natural products. I am trying my absolute best to start living a complete healthy lifestyle.

I went to outback today which I shouldn't have!! aaaaah. Parents were so mad, who goes out to eat in a restaurant on eid? Specially when guests are coming over. Too tired to write anymore.

I hate how my thoughts are all over the place. It is only because...I want to write in details but I am exhausted not to mention I don't want one of the people I mention to stumble upon my blog and then make a big deal. (which has happened before) =(

Splurging money on Estee lauder and thoughts on Ramadan

splurged on Estee Lauder today...shame on me

I WILL MISS RAMADAN!!!!

My likes and dislike

Things about me

I seriously like something or dislike it. It is my best worst quality.
I am quite annoying. I always had great respect for people who put up with me sincerely. I guess it is easy for people to dislike me. And it hurts a lot when that happens
I always do my utterbest to do the right thing, even if it's not so pleasent for me.

Likes (loves...)

Babies! (my heart smiles seeing babies)
making lists
making plans which never come true
painting
Colors!!
writing about nothing
Thinking/analyzing/wondering why it happened/what did the person's eyes say
blogging
daydreaming
Dancing everytime when i hear music or don't hear music
humming
singing
really sweet music that go straight to heart
having some sort of debate
Intellectual coversations
Intelligent humor
Reading historical romance books
Make up!! absolutely love mascaras, eyeliners, eyeshadows)
Money!
Clothes, expensive clothes!
Beautiful jackets
High heeled Sandals
Perfumes
Belts
corsettes
Headbands
haircuts
Massages, spas, facials!
Studying fashion/style/beauty
water
Decorating!
well decorated places, nice furnitures
Castles
Windows
the sky
Crying to Allah
Islam
Islamic history
World history (I wish time traveling was possible because I would like to be around renaissance time..Not just European, but any renaissance)
Anatomy
Psychology
Internet
Youtube
East Asians (certain asian people ofcourse)
Middle eastern people
really fashionable people
people who smile a lot
Thoughtful people, who can think more than the average people.
People who can admit they made a mistake without any hesitation
Hardworkers/responsible people
Horses <-- Fav animal. I dream to own a arabian stallion or an Irish mare.
Healthy drinks which taste disgusting but I know it's good for me eg: apple cider vinegar)
Going out to eat!
Cooking!
Samosas!
Hummus
Shawarma
Gyros
Bengali style Tomato soup!
Fried noodles
Mangoes
Red apples
White chocolate with almond and coconut
romantic movies/shows that make me cry
laughing!! (love it love it love it)
Smiling! (I even smile at strangers)
A hot triangle (for movies and shows ofcourse)
friday
All my teachers/professors/coaches
Rain, getting wet in the rain!
When it's drizzling (love walking at that time)
Cool weather
Cold weather
NCIS (Ziva and Tony)
Barney Stinson!!!
Law and order svu
Hindi movies
Korean movies/dramas
Kpop (Dbsk/Super junior/ 2pm)
Dong Bang Shin Ki
Dong Bang Shin Ki
Dong Bang Shin Ki
The unique bonds dbsk member shares (soulmates, yoosu, 2u, kiss couple)
Airplanes (love traveling)
traveling
Different cultures! (for better or worse I can't bind myself to a single culture)
Expensive hotels
A fun luxurious vacation
talking about the good old days and what I want in the future
Hugs!!
Soccer/football (Germany!)


Dislikes (hates...)

when my plans don't come true
people who don't like me
Fights
Backbiting/ negative gossip
Noise
Liars
People who are not reliable (hate them!!)
People who can't give out accurate infrormation though they claim otherwise (detest them)
Ignorant people
uneducated people because they are ignorant.
Narrow minded people/ intolerant people
People who are silly to a point where they don't tend to be serious when needed.
Really rational people!
Irrational people
Judgemental people
Religion bashers, doesn't matter what religion it is. Criticism yes! Bashing no!
Math! (my nemesis)
Biology
My mom when she hurts me by saying things she doesn't mean (atleast she says she doesn't later on)
My sister when she is insensitive toward my feelings.
Friends who are not there when I need them.
Bengalis (of course it differs from person to person)
Guys who try too hard to become friends even though I barely know them.
Drama queen guys
People who use foul language, doesn't know how to show respect
Chocolates!! that includes candy bars, chocolate cakes, chocolate chip cookies.
socks
Sleep
wasting time
monday
hot weather
Bad quality products.
when I have to be polite because I don't want to hurt someone feelings.
Crying and knowing no one is really around, the feeling where I don't want to be a burden to someone

Things I wanted to write last night

Well I really wanted to write these last night but I had henna on my right hand. I am disabled without it.



Yesterday we went to the mosque. I didn't have to pray because it is that time of the month for me. Which made me sad, because it was a very important day.. " The night of Qadr" which is considered more pious than thousand nights. I love how so many different things happen in the mosque on the 27th! I was talking to someone yesterday and I told her there have been so many time I wanted to move away from tampa but then I realized how much i didn't want to leave this mosque. I never ever want to leave this place.

I got my henna done for $5 yesterday. A very very good price. She did a wonderful job. I had the type of work done before and the guy charged me $25. I tried to keep the henna on my hand overnight but I couldn't sleep. I struggled for a long time putting myself in weird positions. This morning when I woke to to fix the food for Suhoor my arm was killing me. The color came out nice, quite dark, between maroon and brown. I believe there is a saying if your henna color gets dark then your husband will really love you. Well mine rarely gets dark, wonder if that means if I will recieve no love my husband =(

Ps: It is official, I am getting younger with age. Everyone assumes I am 14-16. 4-5 years ago they used to assume I am 21/22.

Sad again

I cried a lot reading this. Silly of me to be so emotional. My whole internet history and my youtube favorites, and related videos are filled with 2pm videos that I saved over last few months. Because everytime I was tired and needed a break I watched them, now it's making me cry. I turned on my ipod after 2 days and it got to the middle of " I hate you" because that is the last song I played. I am so sad....it is slowly dawning on me that he left over something so LAME. I am sad because I like him so much but more than that I keep thinking what he must be going through...what did he think? losing so much for nothing....I want to hug him and tell him he rocks!!!

here is his friend's message...

" Hello this is Jaebeom's friend who was in the same class with him and I would like to share how Jaebeom lived at the time.
Jaebeom moved to study at our class for his 3rd year in high school. There was nothing special. I just heard that he was a JYP trainee from USA. I regarded him as an ordinary student. At first, he could not adjust himself to Korean cultures and barely spoke Korean. Jaebeom was not in acquaintance with friends and preferred to be alone. As time passed, he could finally get along with friends. We played basketball together. He seemed to be fond of physical education class the most. Since he had to part from his family and friends who he used to hang out and practiced dancing with in the States, he looked lonely at times. He was living by himself in a tough conditon as a trainee in Korea.

Jaebeom had a lot of things to do. He usually practiced singing during his free time or writing rap lyrics. He loved to go to the gym the most. I remembered inviting him for lunch but he rejected and only ate food with protein nourishment. How pity he was then. We were in the same basketball team. The friends in our class used to sing birthday songs to him. When we graduated, Jaebeom was trained full time at his company and one day he boasted to me that he was put into a group, 2PM and would be on national televisions. I knew that he worked so hard before he debuted with his first album.

Not only Jaebeom, I heard that all JYP trainees and staff also worked so hard. Even though Jaebeom had extreme tight schedules, during the second album promotion, he could come and join our alumni party. I was happy to see his confidence and shine coming from him which was different from the time he was still just a trainee where his future was in doubt. He told me that he liked Boom-hyung. Boom-hyung is a fun person who takes care of him so well. I knew that he was living a happy life at the time.

But, for the past few days, there were a controversial of Jaebeom's offending comments from his myspace. All those efforts he put were shattered in the blink of an eye. I tried to call him because I was so concerned. He told me he was at the airport and about to leave for USA. I asked if he'll ever come back. He said how could he when so many people hate him this much…

As a friend of Jaebeom, there is nothing I can do. I can only let him leave like that. His flight left at 6:30pm. I can only wish that he go back to have a better life with his family. Even in the US, I wish he still carry on and fulfill his dream. I would like to thank you all who loved my friend. Jaebeom Fighting!

"Now I think I have become a real Korean"
"I'm proud to be Korean"
"The Republic of Korea"
"Korean people are like stars, they dress so well comparing to me I dress like a pauper. Oh no, yes I am a pauper."
"I'm not familiar with English now, isn't it funny? Haha"
These messages were written by Jaebeom in 2006.

Looking at those messages, you can see that his attitude has changed.
He said he was proud to be Korean and he truly love Korea.

Please believe him.
Please don't judge him only by the message he wrote when he was a struggling trainee (4 years ago)
Please…"

All time favorite 2pm video..I saw this a long time ago and I knew it then that I would like them very much =(

Apart from this I am sad that my dad yelled at me. I really don't feel appreciated. That makes me sad. If it is because I am older than my siblings or because I am a daughter it doesn't make me feel any better.
Someday I would really like to go away from everything and truly do nothing......

A little sad

Where do I begin? ....I was really planning to write yesterday. Then I saw the news of Jay leaving 2pm and it broke my heart. It really depressed me. With Dbsk doing nothing these days 2pm became my only source of k-entertainment. I would laugh hysterically watching them over and over again. Now when I watch those they makes me cry. So I decided to not to write yesterday. Today it is almost the same. I am still sad that Jay left. It's unbelievable that netizens would take things this far. But heck I know I have gotten those comments before for not liking SRK .

Korean fans are probably the best fans in this world, but they are also the worst antis. I remember how someone tried to kill Yunho.

I met a korean guy..1. He is hot..2. He thinks I am cool. That's all for now. I got out quick before I embarassed myself further.

I stumbled upon a sad song yesterday..(lovely, extremely lovely sad song). I kept listening to it as I am doing right now. It makes me want to cry. I guess everything makes me want to cry.

We have guests coming over tomorrow. I am not sure how I will manage to clean the house and cook. I am already tired from fasting and I don't have time.

Last night I searched on one of my old blogs. It's really old about 5-6 years old. I was so immature. All the posts were written like this. " I am so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o haPPy or no0o0o0o0o, whAT shouLd I do?" Someone (don't want to take his name) said it looks like a 5th graders wiritng. I just hope 5th graders have better sense than that. I know that two months from now when I look back at this post I will find myself immature again. It always happens to me.

I wrote a Dbsk post yesterday in the car. my sister found it funny. I will post it later. Right now I am in a gloomy mood.

Running against the clock

Not sure why am I writing this. I just really hope while I write this I can figure out a way to sort everything.

Last night I stayed up so late to finish my work. In a way having a lot of work makes me very happy. (extremely happy) When everything is piled up I know I have to do one after another without any break in between. That feels nice. The only problem is prioritizing. All of them seem so important I am not sure which one to do first. I have been working nonstop since yesterday and I still have so much left. GAH!!

Fasting is going good. Finally I am easing into it. It doesn't seem all that bad anymore. I can now focus when I study. =] I get really irritated before iftar. Like when I am setting up the table and my brother or sister ask stupid questions. I lash out almost every other day. aah I am so ashamed to admit this but hunger is my worst weakness. It drives me nuts.


Things that are suppose to make me angry don't quite bother me. But silly things do. I have been trying to think about a lot of things these days without openly discussing it.

Question:
Is it immature to ask for things like gratitude or appreciation once in a while? or is it really wrong to expect people to do certain things without directly telling them? Like if I do something for someone all the time, shouldn't she do it for me too without me telling her?

-- Have to post bunch of posts on I-F.
-- Have to make loads of signatures.
-- Have to write around 4 articles for I-F this week..(umm hope so)
-- Have to finish watching partner, watch the latest take care of agasshi, and start on east of eden and my girl.
-- Have to cook for the whole mosque this week.
-- Have to finish counting the money for donation. (thinking about it makes my back hurt)
-- clean the closet and fix the clothes for donation.
-- Have to read Quran.
-- and have to study...::sigh::

aah I keep forgeting about this!! This is irritating me so much. I had a interview couple of weeks ago to become a mentor. I supposedly passed with flying colors but I have totally forgotten about it, and didn't contact them back. Now I am starting to wonder if they will take me as a mentor considering I totally forgot about them. I can't even come up with a good excuse for not contacting them. =( I lost my phone and internet is not working?? No lying on ramadan. Not that it's ever allowed.

I have to call back another lady who is from another mentoring teenagers program... aisssh!!! when am I suppose to do all these? =(

Writing felt good. Now that I have my to do list. I will try to get these done..within this week. (will keep praying! Allah help me!!)

Once a tvxq fan, Always a TVXQ fan

Nothing much happened this morning to actually write about. I needed to save this article, so I can look back and read it later...(months from now =] )

I love them. Jinjja jinjja saranghamnida. They are amazing. Amazing is a too little of a word to decribe them. They keep me somewhat stable. Whatever emotional stability I do have usually comes from them. I can't even imagine not listening to their music, or not reading about them. When I am really sad, or tensed I can lose myself in a world that is only surrounded by them.

Each day I pray that they will stay together, and get really scared that they will eventually part their ways. Maybe I wouldn't continue to like them the way I do now, but what If I still feel the same way? What if I still like them and they decide to break apart. Not sure if I can take it. I also get scared they will lose their korean fans. Which they have. Korea has other great idol groups. But I can never become a die-hard fan of any other group, or anyone for that matter. I always feel like it will take me away from them. I am content with just being a devoted Dong bang shin ki fan. But I know not everyone feels that way. It is also unfair to the korean fans because they spend so much time in Japan.

Anyhow...They have my full heart. =(

now the article

GQ september issue:: "THE REAL TVXQ WAS IN JAPAN"









TVXQ sings “I got you~ooo, Under my skin,” and dances. When the buttons on the shirts that cling onto their bodies cannot handle their powerful moves and burst, U-Know Yunho’s well-developed and chiseled pectoral muscles are shown. Fans from all over Korea, who may have had ill feelings towards the long stretch of Japanese activities, act as though the group had never left and stare at their TV and even go up to the TV screen and stroke it. I’m talking about the comeback stage of that happened after the album’s release last December. Fans found something a little odd about TVXQ during this stage. Although the five members’ faces were the same, it was as though their faces had been stuck on someone else’s body. This was because of their ‘muscles’.

TVXQ’s thin and muscular bodies are completely different from SM Entertainment’s preceding idol groups. The direction that the members of TVXQ are headed is being influenced by the Japanese activities they have been carefully and diligently doing. In Japan these days, their is a ‘Hosomacho’ or ‘thin muscle’ trend blazing through the nation. The biggest reason for this trend is because the majority of young Japanese women prefers the thin muscled hosomacho look over the heavily muscled gorimacho (gorilla macho) look.

What am I talking about? There are probably going to be some people who tell me that this trend has been around for a while with the majority of singers in Johnny’s Entertainment and with the majority of males in Tokyo having a thin muscle body structure. But what they are talking more about skinny guys who look as though they have muscles because they are skinny, not the ‘thin muscle’ look. But to think that TVXQ is just one of the many hosomacho groups is a big mistake. This is because the popularity of Tohoshinki, as they call themselves in Japan, is so great and out of this world that it cannot be fully comprehended or understood in Korea.

If we divide the dominating Japanese male idol groups into three categories, the first would be ‘role Lolita’, groups comprised of pretty boys, the second would be ‘Yankees’, groups comprised of members who have a bad boy vibe to them, and the third would be the TVXQ style. The TVXQ style’s popularity can be properly felt in Japan’s host clubs. Koreans may connect the words host or hostess with adult clubs and see these words with a negative outlook, but to many young, handsome and popular college students in Japan, it is the most preferred part-time job.




Different from Korea’s hosts, Japan’s hosts serve only alcohol and there is a different term for those who provide sexual intercourse and they are called ‘Urisen’. In these host clubs that can easily be found in Shinjuku’s Gabukicho area, the pictures of the hosts in the clubs tell women what kind of style each host is. Before, most of the people in the pictures copied the style of Johnny’s Entertainment’s idol groups. But now, at least one or two hosts in every club very conspicuously copies the style of one of the members of TVXQ.

In this area, there was once a time where the most manly people were nabe (a girl dressed up as a guy or a trans gender female). with their thin, pretty bodies. But now many Japanese women are asking for the hosomacho style, men who are not only pretty, but are also manly, and who are not only skinny, but has muscles. The TVXQ wind is blowing through the clubs of Gabukicho.

Since many Korean idol groups are popular not only in Korea but all of Asia, many Koreans may think that TVXQ’s popularity is similar to that of other celebrities. Shall we delve deeper to see just how popular TVXQ is in Japan? TVXQ’s most recent Japanese single sold almost 200K copies in one week. This sets TVXQ with the second highest first week sales in their agency, Japan’s biggest company Avex.

The only group above TVXQ is the 14-member group Exile, the group that received the highest award from the Japanese Record Association and the group that even creates big changes in society with their raging popularity. This means that TVXQ’s first album sales beats that of the female leaders of Japanese pop, ‘Amuro Namie’. ‘Hamasaki Ayumi’ and ‘Koda Kumi’. This is a feat that not even popular star ‘BoA’ has achieved. These are the kind of top singers we can compare TVXQ to now.

But I am not basing their popularity on album sales only. TVXQ has set a huge record of being on Japan’s representative music chart ‘Oricon Chart’ as 1st on weekly single sales six times already. Since the year 2000, the number of stars who have attempted to enter the Japanese market is enormous, with stars such as S.E.S, Sugar, Park Junghyun, Rain, Lee Soo Young, Se7en, SS501, Ryu Siwon, Park Yongha, Lee Byunghun, Yoonha, K, Sunmin, Big Bang and Super Junior.

But the only singers who have reached first on Oricon’s weekly single charts are BoA (once) and TVXQ (six times). TVXQ also succeeded in being invited to hold two concerts in July at the Tokyo Dome which is considered the Dream Stage, even to Japanese singers. This has never been completed by any other Korean singer before.

But the Bible sends a message, “Prophets do not get respect from their homelands.” For some odd reason, TVXQ’s outstanding achievements do not seem to be reported or praised in Korea. Also, it is sad to see that TVXQ’s success of almost selling 200K copies of their single was buried under the dispute between SM Entertainment and three members of TVXQ (Micky Yoochun, Xiah Junsu, YoungWoong Jaejoong) and the disbandment rumors that followed it.

They are not something something ’sama’ (like Yonsama) who were washed ashore by the Hallyu Wave. No, they even asked all Japanese media agencies not to associate the word ‘Hallyu’ with them (even asking for news articles to be pulled down if the word was used in relation to them), to show that they wished to succeed with their own powers and were able to become widely known in Japan. TVXQ had to erase their nationality in order to gain the acceptance from the Japanese population.

The rumors of disbandment at the height of their popularity has become a hot topic of conversation in the Japanese music industry. Japanese media has been created a daily special to update everyone about what’s happening in Korea with regards to TVXQ, and this has caused Avex’s CEO to come forward and give an explanatory statement to clam the Japanese fans. He announced that TVXQ’s Japanese activitees would continue regardless of what was happening in Korea and he decided to announce this himself. This has never happened before.

It seems as though the way Korean agencies set the income division when writing up the contract has surprised the people of Japan who are used to the Japanese agencies’ way of working that gives monthly salaries that may change. Since the first official event TVXQ held after the disbandment rumors came out was in Japan and not Korea, the source of such rumors, with the Fireworks Festival Concert, the Japanese media was more vigilant when it came to reporting the issue than the Korean media.

Therefore, whether they wanted this or not, this case has opened TVXQ up to a wider fan base including the younger generation. YoungWoong Jaejoong, who is the most popular amongst the members in Japan, was even seen in a paparazzi scandal magazine that only extremely famous Japanese celebrities appear in.

Although the situation in Korea is a complete mess, TVXQ might be able to take one step further in their Japanese activities through this happening. But they must once more grab hold of their Korean fans. There are already rumors that the ‘light fanbase’ is ready to embrace the new 6 member male idol group SM Entertainment is preparing.

As faithful as Korean fans are, they are also able to turn their backs on a singer very quickly. If even the fans who used to embrace them turn their backs on TVXQ, the group will become the prophets who are not respected in their homelands.




source: [GQ Magazine+DNBN]
translation credits: jeeelim5@tohosomnia.net
shared by: tohosomnia.net
Do not remove/add on any credits

Morning with Franz Schubert's Serenade

I put the alarm at 4:45 am, woke up, fixed food for everyone, ate and then prayed. I was really sleepy but didn't want to go to sleep. Since I am fasting I would rather sleep during the day. But I might have to cook. (-_-)

I started studying, watched a movie "The young Victoria". It's rare that I get to see happy endings in historical pieces so that was nice, mm really nice to be honest. The romance left me in a pleasant mood. So I started listening to Schubert while I studied some more. Then I felt writing about it, so here I am.

Oh and yes it's raining. Music + rain + writing.. Thank you Allah! Currently in a really good mood.

Here is Schubert's Serenade! (my favorite!!!)

Learning korean

I went shopping today. When I went to the shoe store I saw the lady at the register was Asian. I kept telling my sister ask where she is from. So finally when we were checking out we found out she was korean. I told her how I am currently learning korean and She totally changed. She got really happy and all of a sudden really interested in us. She asked me what I know, and I talked to her in korean. She got even happier. She said wow you are good couple of times and then turned to my sister and said how she is surprised that I have the right accent.

Well Gamsahamnida shoe lady!! Because that really made my day. That is probably the best compliment that I recieved this week.

Yesterday I went to my brother's school orientation. Blah. He is 6 years younger than me and all of his teacher thought I was their student. At first we didn't care but after 4-5 teacher my sister was like oh my god. The teacher literally ignore him and go to you. I was embarassed. I believe As days go by i feel I act more childish, and now it seems like i look it too. When I was 14 people thought I was 20. Now that I am 20 people think I am 14.

I saw this really really really cool belt, the corsette type..aaaah wanted to get it so badly. And then there were these hats that would've totally matched my top I bought today. But my sister said I would never wear it. I told her I would wear it at home everyday if i got it. But I know myself. I always buy things and never use it, years later I find them in my closet with the price tag still on it.

Top Chef, Bad coffee, boring Japanese dinner.

It's 1:16 am. I am exhausted. But for some reason I wanted to write before going to bed.
Ramadan will be here soon. I am so excited. I love going to be the mosque during Ramadan. Just the whole sense of belonging to a such a diveresed Islamic community is beautiful. It makes fasting for such a long time painless. Sun goes down after 8 pm these days so I hope Allah gives me the strength to keep all my fasts.

So today I volunteered for a Children's foundation. It was a gourmet tasting/ auction event. The chef was one of the former Top chef contestant. It's always nice to see celebs =] I was really planning write about it but I won't mention name. Because when she dished the show's secrets she said please don't put it on your blog or facebook it. My sister asked loads of questions. Like how do they pick, and are the controversies real? are the people real. Do the challenges really take place the way they show it. Before I met her I only wanted to ask one question. Was Hung (season 3 winner) mean (a**)? She said " YESS" without even thinking twice. It still doesn;t change my feelings toward him. He is still my favorite. Right after Harold from season 1!!

Afterwards I went to a japanese restaurant. Not sure why I even bothered. I know I don't like japanese cuisine because I don't prefer things with mild/BLAND taste. I like things that are hot, spicy, sour or sweet. So I got really bored during the meal. My sister kept saying ahjumma when the waitress would walk past us. (way past so she won't hear) I told her this is a japanese place. Later I heard two of those older waitresses talking in korean. I was like " Man!! we could've called them ahjumma".

I started my morning with loads of Dbsk..No so matter how bad the day went..(bad coffee, starving for a long period, bad dinner) everything felt moderately ok. They bring peace to my days! =]

I met a really nice lady today. She is an event planner for events such as fundraisers for charities or business, conferences etc. We talked about careers and all. We came across my diploma in Fashion marketing and how sad i was that i didn't get to intern in the field because of my location. And she said she knew a lady who started her own online fashion magazine and maybe I can talk to her and get to know her. Yay! that makes me happy. I love networking. If there is one thing I learned from years of business/ marketing classes it is NETWORKING is one of the most important and asset. One should never pass a chance to expand his or her network=]

My leg is killing me. Going to bed.

Thank you Allah

Of course I thank him everyday for what he has blessed me with. But I can never thank him enough. Thank you Allah

everyone should thank Allah as much as possible =]

Hiding from work..=]

Well not quite. The work will not get any less. I will have to finish it up, I am just resting for now. I am sore everywhere. Here is the article that I wanted to summarize last night but didn't have time to write all that much.

Blown away by Sa re ga ma pa lil champs 2009

I don't blog all that much, I wish I did though.
1. I love writing.
2. I like looking back at what I write, then I hide my face in embrassment while I say " wow I am immature".

Today's Topic :: Sa re ga ma pa lil champs 2009.

I was a big fan last year. Of course as always I think nothing could top it. ( no one can ever take Rohanpreet's place. He is only the coolest kid alive) Wow I was wrong. This year has to has to has to handsdown have the most talented Indian singers I have seen any reality show. Not just kids singing show.

I will start with my most favorite girl Shreyasi. To begin I liked her because she was an athlete but I really expect her to be so good. SHE IS WONDERFUL. I love this performance. I love her voice. It's sweet but not so sugary where I want to choke.




Next up is Hemant. At first I really hated him. I guess part of it was because I already picked my favorites yet I enjoyed his performances a lot. Though I loved most of his performances this one is one of my favorites. I love it.




Now here is the BEST. Yatharth! "Amazing" is truly too small of word to describe him. He is brilliant. Everyone is shocked to see a kid who sings and performs so well. I knew he was going to be my #1 no matter what right at the audition. Though he looked a little odd which I later found out because he was ill with Typhoid, he won me over with his yodeling.




I am absolutely addicted to this performance of his. At times when I am working at a really early time I would continuously watch this video....well listen is more like it.




I miss Sonu Nigam. He is the best judge ever along with Vishal and Shekhar. I strongly detest Abhijeet Bhattacharya. He is so immature. It is nto only him being over dramatic and really emotional. But he has been really rude at many times.

The show did make a very smart move this year. It got two baby hosts. Aditya Narayan was a heartthrob. It would've been really hard for anyone to fill in those shoes. So they got two kids. Duh, people might be mean but no one is mean enough to say something to a cute nerd boy with classes and 5 year old little girl. The girl is really loud but her one liners are really funny. She is one natural actress.

Random blabbings when I am tired...and sore..and in pain..but happy

Hah!!!

lets just start with that. So I was about to type something but my sister's "ex" best friend IMed me and I almost typed my blog stuff to him. Not that I had any intentions of mentioning either of them but I might as well.

They were friends who shared everything. Then she started dating his best friend. Both of the idiots realized they liked each other more. But when my sis's relationship finally ended neither of them wanted to jump into another one. Then he got a girlfriend, and she got a bf. Which doesn't please me all that much. Not that it's any of my business and I really don't mind but aaah they made such a cute couple. And he was one of the very few people I could share my lame jokes with and he would go along. How wonderful was that.

Now back to my other blabbings. I saw the movie " The accidental husband" today. It was ok. Uma has always been one of the my favorites. Her character is quite opposite of me. I ended my last relationship because everything seemed so safe. Not that I didn't love him or care for him. I just didn't want something that made me feel so settled. Some might label it as committment issues as I did for quite some time. I was fine with my decision, but at time I wonder if I made a mistake. Doesn't everyone want someone who will love you unconditionally? And you know many things in your life might go wrong but he would still love you. Blaaah.

Next!! Hmm what can be next oh oh!! I cleaned the house today. My back hurts from scrubbing the toilets and tubs. That's the only problem when a large number of guests come over. Well it's not quite a problem. I don't mind. I like people. I am one of the few people I know who really likes people. I do not mind striking up a conversation with a perfect stranger anyday anywhere. people are fun.

Yesterday I was happily reading the new Julia Quinn book " what happnes in london" I was worried at first since I am a big fan of her series books, but later when I found out this was a sequel to one of my most favorite books I was happy. Anyways so midway I realized I was missing my Soccer/football match. Chelsea vs AC milan. I watched few mins of the match saw Chelsea score it's first goal. I should've been happy considering Ballack plays for Chelsea and he is the reason for my absolute devotion to the sport. But unfortunately he was not playing. And I was NOT interested. It was good to see Ronaldiniho smile and try to goal for AC Milan but not exciting enough. This just establishes my belief that I only watch the sport religiously because of the men who play. It's shameful but can't help but love my long list sexy players.

Since I kind of mentioned Julia Quinn I wanted to write more. She is amazing. I love her. By now I have read all of her books. I own quite a lot of them. Some I have returned because I was strict with my book budget. I read an awesome article that dealt with historical romance writers.

Maybe I will write about it later. I have to pray then go to bed. Though I strongly believe sleep is a total waste of my precious time I do need it to survive.

Penning down random thoughts

Most of the time.. (almost all the time) I end up writing because I am sad. It's not that I write to let those negative feelings out , I do but more precisely I write when I am sad because when I look back at this I want to remember how miserable I was so I appreciate my current state.

I am currently happy. Tired, ill but happy. Thanks to Allah swt. I didn't have anymore fights with my sister. Not even a single one since my birthday. She has turned extremely nice for some weird reason. It's a bit scary. I love her a lot. I think she is what keeping me positive these days, so thanks to Allah again.

My relationship with my mom is still very sour, I doubt it will turn sweet. Now that I think of it we never had a sweet relationship.

I am reprioritizing everything. If there is one thing that is missing from my life it's consistency. I will do my best to be consistent from now on.

I have to study a lot. Studying makes me so happy.

I was planning to workout a lot this summer, as always I was not consistent. Now it got to a point where i go to them gym to workout then sit there and watch law and Order of CSI. I have to get serious about that.

Last but not least I have become more religious.

The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can become.

-- Harold Taylor--

History of Islam in Europe

I thought it was important to share this video. While I watched this video in a way I was so proud. On the other hand I was so sad, it was a bittersweet moment. Islam has given the society so much, yet when people look at the religion these days they all seem to think we are a ignorant bunch of people running around with swords. It is sad no one remembers Muslims have also given a lot of innovative ideas in the field on mathamatics, science, technology, fashion, literature. When more than half of this world was living in dark ages, and the great renaissance was yet to come, Muslims were already reforming society, advancing in various fields.

This video was amazing. I mean I read about these things before. But seeing it was just....wow!!

Finally letting go !! Feels great

"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." - Anatole Broyard

(forgive me for sounding like an idiot, I couldn't find the words)

So a certain someone who used to be my best friend got married. I sound childish, but I am not sure how else to address him. If I simply wrote " he" it sounds weird. If I wrote my friend it gives a wrong idea because I really don't know if we are friends. I am a crappy friend, and I don't say it in a sad, bitter way. I am ok with it. I am learning. It's my growth process, I do have people who I love and who love me. I am surrounded by them each day and that's a blessing. Now if I used the word " ex friend" that also gives a wrong impression. There is nothing wrong with us, we are just not that close anymore.

I thought a lot last night if I should write this idiotic post. I wondered why do I need to write this when I can just tell him these stuff. But it dawned on me 1. we don't have time. 2. Everytime I talk to him I feel like blaiming him. 3. Haha!! he is married now. wow!! like wow! He is married. It's funny. And I do not want to have a intimate conversation with a married man. So the best way was just write this post, and then let him read it.

I can't find the right words to write this post. What I really want to say is I blamed him a lot. A LOT LOT LOT. I didn't always tell him, but in past one year I blamed him for us not being so close anymore. Even though the blame should fall on both of us. We never had time. I also held huge grudge against him. A huge one. When I go through something I let my friends know what is happening. He held it in. That always irked me. I always asked myself am I not not worth sharing the problems with. I was also hurt by him. He didn't know. And he didn't mean it. I was simply hurt because he was being " HIMSELF" and I was being " MYSELF". I think all my relationship insecurities started from him. He is a great guy, a sweet one. A loyal one. If a friend got mad at him he would do quite a lot to get that friend back (then he will eventually give up and say screw it). I always wondered why the same thing didn't apply to my case. Except one time. I think he only came to me and said sorry one SINGLE time at the very very beginning of our relationship, when we weren't even friends. And that was it.

The way I look at relationships today is all due to him. It's a funny realization, but it is true.

The bad side
1.It sucks to be in a relationship knowing the person probably doesn't care about you as much as you care about him or her.
2.Trust- doesn't trust you as much as you trust him or her.
3. The best one, I used to love hanging out with guys, I usually had more male friends than female friends. That has totally changed. Now I try to surround myself with all female friends and a handful of guys who I can't get rid of.

The good side
This is very important. I hate generic quotes. Then I stumbled upon a quote and it said

"The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

Thank you for being that person for me. I never found anyone else in life who I could share that silence with. Silence is so awkward and painful, but with you it was one of the greatest comforts.

Thank you for being that one person (beside my sister) who I could share EVERYTHING with. I haven't told anyone else.

Thank you for being my rock and listening to all my whining for so long, and whenever.

Thank you for being my friend even when my ex threatened you. wait you left me....but thanks for coming back.

Thank you for world's lamest jokes that made me laugh.

Thank you for sticking my my side when your best friend was a complete and all the other guys just too of a bro lovers to take my side instead of calming the situation.

Thank you for being kind to me, even when I was a moody and a brat.

Thank you for being really mean to me at times, I needed that.

Thank you for finishing so many of my sentences.

Thank you for being my friend even when you hated so many qualities in me because they are against your belief.

I am truly happy that you are happy. I was always afraid for the girl you would marry, as you go for the sweet meek girls. I kept thinking Oh Allah he is going to be a complete monster. But you found someone who is not afraid to stand up to you. It is amazing. I am still surprised. Isn't funny the girl you thought you couldn't live without and loved her so much, and went through so much for is not the girl you married? It is her best friend you ended up falling for?? What a story. ( I talked to your ex today by the way, she is awesome too. I still like her.) I wish both of you guys all the best! Both of you will always be in my prayers inshallah! Take care of her, she must be going through a lot.

No more talkling at random hours...you wouldn't need it anyways. LoL.

A truly horrible birthday, but no complains. I am glad it happened

I am tired. I am exhausted. If one week I am physically tired the next week I am emotionally exhausted. I know I should be stronger but I don't pretend to be something I am not. I am very very weak. I am the girl that will cry and think her life is half over because while I was painting someone thought the color of my tree was ugly. Okay maybe that is a bit of exaggeration. But a friend of mine helped me realize months ago that everytime I am criticized I take it as an attack on my whole persona and start to crack. This is really irrelevant to my post but this is just to prove how weak I am. As a person my life's motto has always been all or nothing. Everyone who knows me knows that. I openly claim either I want to be on top of the world or I don't want anything. Either I want to be truly happy or being miserable is fine with me. That is my biggest flaw. My mom gets really mad at me about it. But that's what drives me each and everyday.

I have gained quite a lot in my life, but I have lost a lot too. Some because of my stupid mistakes, others just weren't meant to be. I am stubborn. Another flaw I fully accept, even when I realize how much I had to suffer because of this. I have turned 20, it was one of the most miserable days of my life. No exaggeration there. I wasn't talking to my sister who has always been my best friend, I couldn't help but wonder if this is the sister who I always cared for and still look out for. My mother didn't talk to me because our relationship has turned really bad and we no longer talk to each other unless we absolutely have to. I could probably overlook all of this if I wasn't already under alot of stress. But because of the stress and overloaded schedule things start to line up. Actually they have been gathering in some part of my mind for quite some time now. I don't know what exactly made me so sad but I felt like I was going to explode. I couldn't stop crying on the night of my birthday. I know the silent fight with my sister lead to it. I literally cried for almost 2 straight days. When you cry for two straight days in pure anguish and you have no absolute clue about how to make the pain go away it becomes absolutely unbearable. I have been sick in my life, where I was hospitalized for almost a month. I have seen my mom sick before where I thought I would lose her. I have seen my dad in a problem before where I thought he might not be able to survive it but it was never unbearable. The word " UNBEARABLE" had never crossed my dictionary till that date. I went to the bathroom to cry. And I kept crying, I sat and cried. I held my face and cried. I pulled my hair and cried. I couldn't breathe yet I couldn't stop crying. I washed my face and there it was a pair of scissors, and for the first time in my life I wanted to grab the scissors and cut myself. I started thinking of other things like how it is absolutely wrong to hurt myself, God forbids it. What would others think, what would all the people said who I said "you are dumb for hurting yourself", what would all the people say who care about me. I washed my face and I got out. I prayed. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it in, which made it even worse. It wasn't the type of crying where I am sad I am crying, I could feel something inside me dying, breaking, I needed soemthing. I wanted something but I just couldn't get it. I gritted my teeth. then when I got done praying I went to the kitchen. I started making my food, then I just took the spatula and held the corner on my wrist. It hurt, the pain wasn't all that bad , something inside me felt satisfied. I think I even smiled. I did the same thing again. I did it couple of times. I finally stopped crying. I ate, I watched tv and finally after so many hours of crying I felt I was at peace. My brother found out about it but I told him not to tell anyone. Later my sister found out but she didn't seem to mind. She said why don't you just cut yourself and write Sylvia Plath poems. (An amazing poet, who attempted suicide couple of times in her life till one day she finally succeded and died. ) I prayed again. I finally cut my cake, it was quite late at night, no longer my birthday. Then I tried go on with my usual self, and there was my sister happily chattering away. I usually don't mind and I still don't. The part that got to me is I always considered her a part of me. We are closer than any siblings I know. And the question " does she not care about me" I answered myself of course she does. Then the question " how much she actually care?" or " How much do I truly matter?" came up. I started crying again. I tried not to cry. But I couldn't help it. And my head started to spin again. I felt really hot, my eyes were burning. I started to feel the suffocation once again. I wrote a message to Sandy and said I burned myself today, now I plan to cut myself and see how that feels. I went to my cute, pink sewing box and took out 3 needles. I fixed them on the paper they are attached to. I went to the bathroom and washed them. Even though I happily wanted to see how it feels I didn't want any long term disease (funny!) Then I placed them on my wrist and slid them, 1st time really didn't do anything just left marks, on the second and 3rd try it was better. 1st I did it horizontally then vertically. I washed my hand and the needles. I patted my wrist with paper towel and came back on the computer. It wasn't bleeding, they were simple, light scratches. I thought to myself this wasn't that bad. Next time if I feel worse I will try something better. I talked to Sandy and told her what made me mad.

After that day nothing felt as bad anymore. It felt like the pain was over. Now I could deal with things. As long as I was in control I will be ok. The thought being on the other end of the line trying to be reassured that I am loved and cared for made me vulnerable. I know a lot of people who I love with my whole heart are dissapointed in me. But trust me I don't know what to say. If there was anyway I could put all of this behind me and look at all the bright things with a smile , I would. I can't. I can't smile when I don't want to smile. I can't tell myself everything is good when I can feel myself dying inside. I am weak. I don't pretend to be strong. There are plenty of people who have it much worse than I have and they don't act this stupid. I am not one of them. In life I have always looked at the good things, I look at the good things in people. And I got hurt. I am not saying from now on I will look for the bad in people. It's just when you feel some of the closest people around you don't care all that much every other relationship also gets put on the line for the test. I have hurt a lot of people in my life, people I shouldn't have hurt but that was never my intention. I would rather be hurt myself than hurt someone else. There are many many many people who I loved and they couldn't love me half as much as I love them. I know there are those lines "love like there is no tomorrow" or " love without expecting anything back" But in my " all or nothing " world I have loved with everything I had, and I expect that in return. That becomes another problem. This is my problem. MINE ALONE. I am sad. I have realized relationships and I are not friends. That is why I do not plan to drag the people I love through this crap. Sure I can still be there. But why would you do that to me or yourself. Everytime I hear the word " I love you" or " I care" I start thinking of all the bad relationships and wonder how much exactly. Love can never be measured but how exactly do I know that I am loved? Maybe if I wasn't hurt I wouldn't care but I am hurting, I am really really hurting. And I believe I have every right to wonder how much do people actually love me. I don't want someone to give me their kidneys or buy me presents. I would just like to know why do they love " ME ". The friends I have are blessings. I know why I love each one of my friends. It is not because he or she goes shopping with me or helps me with my paper. It's is what they bring out of me. How they make me happier. It is not about what I do with them. It is their character. Something about them I have only come to learn by loving them so much and spending so much time with them. I appreciate those good qualities, love their bad qualities. If I started to make a list I would know exactly what makes that person so lovable. I want to know what makes me lovable. Oh yes and it breaks my heart to hear "who else will I go shopping with if something happened to you" or "who is going to help me with my paper" Or "who am I going to yell at" Because for those I can always find a replacements. I don't love Kellie because I go shopping with her. I go shopping with her because I love her. Now what I love about her is totally another list.

After all this I asked my sister today do you love me? why do you love me? And she simply said " because you raised me, you take care of me",.. I was starting to get sad..like that's it?..) Then she said " because you are lame!, I swear sometimes I am too sad and then you come and say something lame with that funny face and I can't stop laughing" and then she cried, there was so much honesty. She would've never said this before but today she did. And I was touched. Some part of me felt better. I don't know why. I guess maybe because she told me about my good side and bad side. When someone appreciates my good side I am grateful. But a stranger who has only known me for a week can do that. There are many people who are simply nice and kind, but what makes me different from those kind people. There are many creative people, many stubborn people. I wish to know what I have to give that couldn't be given by someone else. What couldn't be replaced, why could it not be replaced? Why do you need me to be there? Why couldn't I just give you this another kind, funny, smart person and overtime you will learn to love her too.

I am really mad at certain someone. And I doubt I will ever forgive you. Because when you went through problems all I could think of was " oh my god what do I do to make it go away, smile. I would do anything to bring your smile back". I can't help but wonder do you not feel the same way? Beside asking me what's wrong, do you not hurt at all. Does it not bother you that I am miserable? Are you that caught up with your things?

I haven't lost it all. There are still people who I know love me and need me. It is not quite because they have written me a nice letter on how I am so wonderful and irreplacable. But just the daily relationship. I never have to worry will I wake up tomorrow and the person will realize I am not all that special, or the person will go on with life as if I was never important. Even if they always stay by my side I will always feel incomplete not knowing why I am loved, why my exsistence matters.

Maybe I am asking for too much, but in order to move on properly and never let this bother me again I need to move on the right away. I need to fix this. The last time I raised the same questions I got over it after one week of hiding and crying. I started smiling again when my friends cheered me up. Thanks Baji. But the questions and the dreadful feeling came back and this time it left me shattered.