A truly horrible birthday, but no complains. I am glad it happened

I am tired. I am exhausted. If one week I am physically tired the next week I am emotionally exhausted. I know I should be stronger but I don't pretend to be something I am not. I am very very weak. I am the girl that will cry and think her life is half over because while I was painting someone thought the color of my tree was ugly. Okay maybe that is a bit of exaggeration. But a friend of mine helped me realize months ago that everytime I am criticized I take it as an attack on my whole persona and start to crack. This is really irrelevant to my post but this is just to prove how weak I am. As a person my life's motto has always been all or nothing. Everyone who knows me knows that. I openly claim either I want to be on top of the world or I don't want anything. Either I want to be truly happy or being miserable is fine with me. That is my biggest flaw. My mom gets really mad at me about it. But that's what drives me each and everyday.

I have gained quite a lot in my life, but I have lost a lot too. Some because of my stupid mistakes, others just weren't meant to be. I am stubborn. Another flaw I fully accept, even when I realize how much I had to suffer because of this. I have turned 20, it was one of the most miserable days of my life. No exaggeration there. I wasn't talking to my sister who has always been my best friend, I couldn't help but wonder if this is the sister who I always cared for and still look out for. My mother didn't talk to me because our relationship has turned really bad and we no longer talk to each other unless we absolutely have to. I could probably overlook all of this if I wasn't already under alot of stress. But because of the stress and overloaded schedule things start to line up. Actually they have been gathering in some part of my mind for quite some time now. I don't know what exactly made me so sad but I felt like I was going to explode. I couldn't stop crying on the night of my birthday. I know the silent fight with my sister lead to it. I literally cried for almost 2 straight days. When you cry for two straight days in pure anguish and you have no absolute clue about how to make the pain go away it becomes absolutely unbearable. I have been sick in my life, where I was hospitalized for almost a month. I have seen my mom sick before where I thought I would lose her. I have seen my dad in a problem before where I thought he might not be able to survive it but it was never unbearable. The word " UNBEARABLE" had never crossed my dictionary till that date. I went to the bathroom to cry. And I kept crying, I sat and cried. I held my face and cried. I pulled my hair and cried. I couldn't breathe yet I couldn't stop crying. I washed my face and there it was a pair of scissors, and for the first time in my life I wanted to grab the scissors and cut myself. I started thinking of other things like how it is absolutely wrong to hurt myself, God forbids it. What would others think, what would all the people said who I said "you are dumb for hurting yourself", what would all the people say who care about me. I washed my face and I got out. I prayed. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it in, which made it even worse. It wasn't the type of crying where I am sad I am crying, I could feel something inside me dying, breaking, I needed soemthing. I wanted something but I just couldn't get it. I gritted my teeth. then when I got done praying I went to the kitchen. I started making my food, then I just took the spatula and held the corner on my wrist. It hurt, the pain wasn't all that bad , something inside me felt satisfied. I think I even smiled. I did the same thing again. I did it couple of times. I finally stopped crying. I ate, I watched tv and finally after so many hours of crying I felt I was at peace. My brother found out about it but I told him not to tell anyone. Later my sister found out but she didn't seem to mind. She said why don't you just cut yourself and write Sylvia Plath poems. (An amazing poet, who attempted suicide couple of times in her life till one day she finally succeded and died. ) I prayed again. I finally cut my cake, it was quite late at night, no longer my birthday. Then I tried go on with my usual self, and there was my sister happily chattering away. I usually don't mind and I still don't. The part that got to me is I always considered her a part of me. We are closer than any siblings I know. And the question " does she not care about me" I answered myself of course she does. Then the question " how much she actually care?" or " How much do I truly matter?" came up. I started crying again. I tried not to cry. But I couldn't help it. And my head started to spin again. I felt really hot, my eyes were burning. I started to feel the suffocation once again. I wrote a message to Sandy and said I burned myself today, now I plan to cut myself and see how that feels. I went to my cute, pink sewing box and took out 3 needles. I fixed them on the paper they are attached to. I went to the bathroom and washed them. Even though I happily wanted to see how it feels I didn't want any long term disease (funny!) Then I placed them on my wrist and slid them, 1st time really didn't do anything just left marks, on the second and 3rd try it was better. 1st I did it horizontally then vertically. I washed my hand and the needles. I patted my wrist with paper towel and came back on the computer. It wasn't bleeding, they were simple, light scratches. I thought to myself this wasn't that bad. Next time if I feel worse I will try something better. I talked to Sandy and told her what made me mad.

After that day nothing felt as bad anymore. It felt like the pain was over. Now I could deal with things. As long as I was in control I will be ok. The thought being on the other end of the line trying to be reassured that I am loved and cared for made me vulnerable. I know a lot of people who I love with my whole heart are dissapointed in me. But trust me I don't know what to say. If there was anyway I could put all of this behind me and look at all the bright things with a smile , I would. I can't. I can't smile when I don't want to smile. I can't tell myself everything is good when I can feel myself dying inside. I am weak. I don't pretend to be strong. There are plenty of people who have it much worse than I have and they don't act this stupid. I am not one of them. In life I have always looked at the good things, I look at the good things in people. And I got hurt. I am not saying from now on I will look for the bad in people. It's just when you feel some of the closest people around you don't care all that much every other relationship also gets put on the line for the test. I have hurt a lot of people in my life, people I shouldn't have hurt but that was never my intention. I would rather be hurt myself than hurt someone else. There are many many many people who I loved and they couldn't love me half as much as I love them. I know there are those lines "love like there is no tomorrow" or " love without expecting anything back" But in my " all or nothing " world I have loved with everything I had, and I expect that in return. That becomes another problem. This is my problem. MINE ALONE. I am sad. I have realized relationships and I are not friends. That is why I do not plan to drag the people I love through this crap. Sure I can still be there. But why would you do that to me or yourself. Everytime I hear the word " I love you" or " I care" I start thinking of all the bad relationships and wonder how much exactly. Love can never be measured but how exactly do I know that I am loved? Maybe if I wasn't hurt I wouldn't care but I am hurting, I am really really hurting. And I believe I have every right to wonder how much do people actually love me. I don't want someone to give me their kidneys or buy me presents. I would just like to know why do they love " ME ". The friends I have are blessings. I know why I love each one of my friends. It is not because he or she goes shopping with me or helps me with my paper. It's is what they bring out of me. How they make me happier. It is not about what I do with them. It is their character. Something about them I have only come to learn by loving them so much and spending so much time with them. I appreciate those good qualities, love their bad qualities. If I started to make a list I would know exactly what makes that person so lovable. I want to know what makes me lovable. Oh yes and it breaks my heart to hear "who else will I go shopping with if something happened to you" or "who is going to help me with my paper" Or "who am I going to yell at" Because for those I can always find a replacements. I don't love Kellie because I go shopping with her. I go shopping with her because I love her. Now what I love about her is totally another list.

After all this I asked my sister today do you love me? why do you love me? And she simply said " because you raised me, you take care of me",.. I was starting to get sad..like that's it?..) Then she said " because you are lame!, I swear sometimes I am too sad and then you come and say something lame with that funny face and I can't stop laughing" and then she cried, there was so much honesty. She would've never said this before but today she did. And I was touched. Some part of me felt better. I don't know why. I guess maybe because she told me about my good side and bad side. When someone appreciates my good side I am grateful. But a stranger who has only known me for a week can do that. There are many people who are simply nice and kind, but what makes me different from those kind people. There are many creative people, many stubborn people. I wish to know what I have to give that couldn't be given by someone else. What couldn't be replaced, why could it not be replaced? Why do you need me to be there? Why couldn't I just give you this another kind, funny, smart person and overtime you will learn to love her too.

I am really mad at certain someone. And I doubt I will ever forgive you. Because when you went through problems all I could think of was " oh my god what do I do to make it go away, smile. I would do anything to bring your smile back". I can't help but wonder do you not feel the same way? Beside asking me what's wrong, do you not hurt at all. Does it not bother you that I am miserable? Are you that caught up with your things?

I haven't lost it all. There are still people who I know love me and need me. It is not quite because they have written me a nice letter on how I am so wonderful and irreplacable. But just the daily relationship. I never have to worry will I wake up tomorrow and the person will realize I am not all that special, or the person will go on with life as if I was never important. Even if they always stay by my side I will always feel incomplete not knowing why I am loved, why my exsistence matters.

Maybe I am asking for too much, but in order to move on properly and never let this bother me again I need to move on the right away. I need to fix this. The last time I raised the same questions I got over it after one week of hiding and crying. I started smiling again when my friends cheered me up. Thanks Baji. But the questions and the dreadful feeling came back and this time it left me shattered.