Finally letting go !! Feels great

"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." - Anatole Broyard

(forgive me for sounding like an idiot, I couldn't find the words)

So a certain someone who used to be my best friend got married. I sound childish, but I am not sure how else to address him. If I simply wrote " he" it sounds weird. If I wrote my friend it gives a wrong idea because I really don't know if we are friends. I am a crappy friend, and I don't say it in a sad, bitter way. I am ok with it. I am learning. It's my growth process, I do have people who I love and who love me. I am surrounded by them each day and that's a blessing. Now if I used the word " ex friend" that also gives a wrong impression. There is nothing wrong with us, we are just not that close anymore.

I thought a lot last night if I should write this idiotic post. I wondered why do I need to write this when I can just tell him these stuff. But it dawned on me 1. we don't have time. 2. Everytime I talk to him I feel like blaiming him. 3. Haha!! he is married now. wow!! like wow! He is married. It's funny. And I do not want to have a intimate conversation with a married man. So the best way was just write this post, and then let him read it.

I can't find the right words to write this post. What I really want to say is I blamed him a lot. A LOT LOT LOT. I didn't always tell him, but in past one year I blamed him for us not being so close anymore. Even though the blame should fall on both of us. We never had time. I also held huge grudge against him. A huge one. When I go through something I let my friends know what is happening. He held it in. That always irked me. I always asked myself am I not not worth sharing the problems with. I was also hurt by him. He didn't know. And he didn't mean it. I was simply hurt because he was being " HIMSELF" and I was being " MYSELF". I think all my relationship insecurities started from him. He is a great guy, a sweet one. A loyal one. If a friend got mad at him he would do quite a lot to get that friend back (then he will eventually give up and say screw it). I always wondered why the same thing didn't apply to my case. Except one time. I think he only came to me and said sorry one SINGLE time at the very very beginning of our relationship, when we weren't even friends. And that was it.

The way I look at relationships today is all due to him. It's a funny realization, but it is true.

The bad side
1.It sucks to be in a relationship knowing the person probably doesn't care about you as much as you care about him or her.
2.Trust- doesn't trust you as much as you trust him or her.
3. The best one, I used to love hanging out with guys, I usually had more male friends than female friends. That has totally changed. Now I try to surround myself with all female friends and a handful of guys who I can't get rid of.

The good side
This is very important. I hate generic quotes. Then I stumbled upon a quote and it said

"The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

Thank you for being that person for me. I never found anyone else in life who I could share that silence with. Silence is so awkward and painful, but with you it was one of the greatest comforts.

Thank you for being that one person (beside my sister) who I could share EVERYTHING with. I haven't told anyone else.

Thank you for being my rock and listening to all my whining for so long, and whenever.

Thank you for being my friend even when my ex threatened you. wait you left me....but thanks for coming back.

Thank you for world's lamest jokes that made me laugh.

Thank you for sticking my my side when your best friend was a complete and all the other guys just too of a bro lovers to take my side instead of calming the situation.

Thank you for being kind to me, even when I was a moody and a brat.

Thank you for being really mean to me at times, I needed that.

Thank you for finishing so many of my sentences.

Thank you for being my friend even when you hated so many qualities in me because they are against your belief.

I am truly happy that you are happy. I was always afraid for the girl you would marry, as you go for the sweet meek girls. I kept thinking Oh Allah he is going to be a complete monster. But you found someone who is not afraid to stand up to you. It is amazing. I am still surprised. Isn't funny the girl you thought you couldn't live without and loved her so much, and went through so much for is not the girl you married? It is her best friend you ended up falling for?? What a story. ( I talked to your ex today by the way, she is awesome too. I still like her.) I wish both of you guys all the best! Both of you will always be in my prayers inshallah! Take care of her, she must be going through a lot.

No more talkling at random hours...you wouldn't need it anyways. LoL.